So, after rereading my last post, I realized that I am an angry person right now. I don't like that feeling at all. Anger just sits in one spot and eat its way to other areas until, before you know it, you are just bitter and sick all the time.
I don't want that for me. I really don't. I want to be loving and kind and it be really genuine. Not forced or coerced from my spirit. I don't like being sad. I am. I don't like feeling depressed all the time. I do.
I am trying to change. Really.
I started reading a book entitled "Total Forgiveness" by R.T. Kendall.
It is not an easy read. One of my cousins suggested that I read the book. I got the book and now, I am not so sure I am capable of any aspect of the book. The biggest reason is, I have yet to forgive myself for all of the things I have endured. It is sooooo hard. Especially when you feel like everything that has ever happened to you is your fault. I am honestly trying to change my way of thinking so that I can get there. It is just so hard.
Yesterday was a very hard day for me. Very hard. I hope it gets better.
I hope you are having a great day and week.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
I have got to get this off my chest. out my hair. and off my heart.
*****warning*****
what you are about to read is a rant. no real rhyme or reason. just started typing and it came out. If you are easily offended or having a bad day, please pass on to the next blog. I repeat pass on to the next blogger. There will be language and harsh words. some racial slurs. I am not directing them to all just specific people. Also, this post was written by deeps, evil twin bat girl. Deep may return tomorrow. Who knows,
Proceed at your own risk.
This has been a crazy last couple of weeks for us here in Nashville. We had flooding. Over twenty people have died. I broke up with the idiot. Have decided that I don't think I really want to be bothered with men ever again in my life and learned that my ex(mister) has a baby on the way. Yep, a big headed wall eyed slew footed baby. (Now we know the real reason I was to stay in Nashville and not come back to Atlanta).
Here I am walking around trying to help him with his stuff only to have him spit in my face. So, lets look at the Tally here:
Number of times I have been in serious relationships: 5
number of times the relationship ends because of cheating:3(I thought only 3)
number of miscarriages:4
number of babies born to other women during or after the immediate termination of said relationship: 4
I now really understand what could push a woman to the brink. I try so hard. They all tend to fall to the wayside. I know I know. Somewhere someone is asking the question; batgirl, if you and deep have been in that many failed relationships, what is wrong with you?
Surely the problem has to be you. It cant be those delightful men. It has to be you.
I ask myself that all the time. Unfortunately for me, I tend to blame myself for every failure in my life. relationships included. I know what my intentions are. I know my heart. I love myself, but yet when it comes to that sacred dance of interactions and relational tangos, I cant seem to find the rhythm.
Years ago, I thought my mother gave me the best advice ever. She said when it comes to men, every women should know and master the three F's. Wish she had given me advice on how to handle the men she gave birth to as well.
feed them
f*&^* them
be their friend
I added my own; DON'T BE A NAG. They already had one mother they don't need it from you.
I live by that code. Yet I keep ruining into idiots who cant see it or accept the genuine article.
I know I take a man through a few hoops just to get to second base. So, you would think, a man who goes through all that time just to get affection would be a good dude. I man of honor and integrity. Not a jack a@# who says any and everything to get next to me. Not a worthless useless insignificant peon, who would form his lips to say,"I love you", then turn around and screw the young twit who lives in your dorm all your wife of five months is going through her third miscarriage. Oh nooooooo. Yet, you wonder why I threw in the towel and didn't put up a real fight. You didn't think this would affect me?
Or how about the fact I have been telling you, be honest open and up front with me for the last five months. I get a phone call from a young lady who introduces herself to me as your girlfriend. The very person you told me you were done with. The very person you told that I was your best friend. Which explains why she thought it was ok to call me and invite me personally to her graduation party. REALLY!!!! You inconsiderate, lying, conniving, selfish, non functioning, arrogant sack of s@#%*.
Lets not forget you. Because I will not allow you or your nasty, third world looking, fresh off the boat smelling, toothless, buffoonish acting friends sample the goodness, you decide to make up little lies and simple complaints because you feel that I am beneath you. You refugee looking b@^&*@$. I mean, how dare I have a little respect and pride for myself and not allow you all to pass me around like a piece of african pancake. REALLY DUDE?
I am soooo over you. How dare you call me like you did not leave me standing in the dressing room of my church waiting to say I do. It has been a few years but don't act all offended when I am not that same sweet innocent person you took for a emotional roller coaster ride. Newsflash idiot. she is gone. She does not live here anymore and you have yourself to thank for that. p.s. Tell your sister and your mama, my Nana is still looking to beat someone or something down. preferably your face. REALLY DUDE?
Last but certainly not least, I was there when you lost your brother. I held your hands when you lost your sister. I was there when you learned your uncle and cousins had been touching your little sister(me). I was there when you lost your baby. There when you both learned your wives were cheating on you. Wiped your tears when you lost your mom. Held your hand when you buried your dad. Brought you food when you buried your brother. There to hold your hand when little man was having open heart surgery. The whole time you were incarcerated I did what I could to support you and your family. And lets not forget you and your decision to go off to training for six weeks, I stayed in your home and helped your wife even though she does not to this day like me. But because I love you, I did it. I did not do any of this to get credit. I did it because I love you. You are my brothers. I was there because, it was my brothers and parents and sister too. Yet, when I really need you you reject me.
You love me when it is convenient. I am tired of that. I am tired of you. I hurt. I ache. I must heal me. Take care of me. Love me. Submit to me.
phewwwwwwwww. I feel so much better now.
what you are about to read is a rant. no real rhyme or reason. just started typing and it came out. If you are easily offended or having a bad day, please pass on to the next blog. I repeat pass on to the next blogger. There will be language and harsh words. some racial slurs. I am not directing them to all just specific people. Also, this post was written by deeps, evil twin bat girl. Deep may return tomorrow. Who knows,
Proceed at your own risk.
This has been a crazy last couple of weeks for us here in Nashville. We had flooding. Over twenty people have died. I broke up with the idiot. Have decided that I don't think I really want to be bothered with men ever again in my life and learned that my ex(mister) has a baby on the way. Yep, a big headed wall eyed slew footed baby. (Now we know the real reason I was to stay in Nashville and not come back to Atlanta).
Here I am walking around trying to help him with his stuff only to have him spit in my face. So, lets look at the Tally here:
Number of times I have been in serious relationships: 5
number of times the relationship ends because of cheating:3(I thought only 3)
number of miscarriages:4
number of babies born to other women during or after the immediate termination of said relationship: 4
I now really understand what could push a woman to the brink. I try so hard. They all tend to fall to the wayside. I know I know. Somewhere someone is asking the question; batgirl, if you and deep have been in that many failed relationships, what is wrong with you?
Surely the problem has to be you. It cant be those delightful men. It has to be you.
I ask myself that all the time. Unfortunately for me, I tend to blame myself for every failure in my life. relationships included. I know what my intentions are. I know my heart. I love myself, but yet when it comes to that sacred dance of interactions and relational tangos, I cant seem to find the rhythm.
Years ago, I thought my mother gave me the best advice ever. She said when it comes to men, every women should know and master the three F's. Wish she had given me advice on how to handle the men she gave birth to as well.
feed them
f*&^* them
be their friend
I added my own; DON'T BE A NAG. They already had one mother they don't need it from you.
I live by that code. Yet I keep ruining into idiots who cant see it or accept the genuine article.
(brace yourself)
I am not going to sit and argue with you. I take you at your word. All I ask is you respect me and take me at my word. Don't treat me as though I don't deserve the truth no matter how damaging it may be.
Let me not miss you. I see you. It is not a good look to bring me around the woman who you married. The same woman who told you she was pregnant while we were engaged. The same woman who told you that only for you to learn you were NOT the father. (yes I saw her on that episode of Maury povich. I must say, not a good look for you pastor. Not a good look at all.). Please stop calling me. I understand you regret letting me walk away. I understand she doesn't cater to you like I did. I get that. But guess what, I AM NOT ABOUT TO BE THE OTHER WOMAN FOR YOU. Get it through your big head, I am the lead. Never the co star. you imbecilic jerk. I also think it is funny how you act as if I don't remember the miscarriages or abortion. Really dude. REALLY.
I know I take a man through a few hoops just to get to second base. So, you would think, a man who goes through all that time just to get affection would be a good dude. I man of honor and integrity. Not a jack a@# who says any and everything to get next to me. Not a worthless useless insignificant peon, who would form his lips to say,"I love you", then turn around and screw the young twit who lives in your dorm all your wife of five months is going through her third miscarriage. Oh nooooooo. Yet, you wonder why I threw in the towel and didn't put up a real fight. You didn't think this would affect me?
Or how about the fact I have been telling you, be honest open and up front with me for the last five months. I get a phone call from a young lady who introduces herself to me as your girlfriend. The very person you told me you were done with. The very person you told that I was your best friend. Which explains why she thought it was ok to call me and invite me personally to her graduation party. REALLY!!!! You inconsiderate, lying, conniving, selfish, non functioning, arrogant sack of s@#%*.
Lets not forget you. Because I will not allow you or your nasty, third world looking, fresh off the boat smelling, toothless, buffoonish acting friends sample the goodness, you decide to make up little lies and simple complaints because you feel that I am beneath you. You refugee looking b@^&*@$. I mean, how dare I have a little respect and pride for myself and not allow you all to pass me around like a piece of african pancake. REALLY DUDE?
I am soooo over you. How dare you call me like you did not leave me standing in the dressing room of my church waiting to say I do. It has been a few years but don't act all offended when I am not that same sweet innocent person you took for a emotional roller coaster ride. Newsflash idiot. she is gone. She does not live here anymore and you have yourself to thank for that. p.s. Tell your sister and your mama, my Nana is still looking to beat someone or something down. preferably your face. REALLY DUDE?
Last but certainly not least, I was there when you lost your brother. I held your hands when you lost your sister. I was there when you learned your uncle and cousins had been touching your little sister(me). I was there when you lost your baby. There when you both learned your wives were cheating on you. Wiped your tears when you lost your mom. Held your hand when you buried your dad. Brought you food when you buried your brother. There to hold your hand when little man was having open heart surgery. The whole time you were incarcerated I did what I could to support you and your family. And lets not forget you and your decision to go off to training for six weeks, I stayed in your home and helped your wife even though she does not to this day like me. But because I love you, I did it. I did not do any of this to get credit. I did it because I love you. You are my brothers. I was there because, it was my brothers and parents and sister too. Yet, when I really need you you reject me.
You love me when it is convenient. I am tired of that. I am tired of you. I hurt. I ache. I must heal me. Take care of me. Love me. Submit to me.
phewwwwwwwww. I feel so much better now.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
consistently inconsistent
That is who I am. What I have become. Thus the sporaticness (I know that is not a word.) of this blog and my post.
Isn't it funny that the minute I started to blog I ran out of things to say.
Maybe I will post something again this week.
Isn't it funny that the minute I started to blog I ran out of things to say.
Maybe I will post something again this week.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Last night, I was listening to my thoughts. (don't judge me.). Listening to my thoughts because, I think a lot but never really explore some of the thoughts that race through my mind. No I am not schizophrenic. I did not have conversations with the voices.
Last night my thoughts centered around my exes. Not all of them just three in particular. The two almost Misters and the Mister. I wondered where they were and how they were. I also wondered where would I be had I followed through or stayed in the last one. Would I be dead or in jail. Would I have been able to carve out some happiness. Could I have been a mother by now. Had I not been stressed would those miscarriages not have happened.
I know the answers I will never know. Any other time, I would not dwell on those things. I am not one who lives with regrets. Nor do I tend to dwell on the past. I do recognize some of these issues are unresolved. Unresolved because, I have this uncanny knack for pushing every hurt pain or thought to the bottom of the hamper in my mind. I let it go. I don't deal. To the outside world, it looks like I am fine and well balanced. Only me a a select few know that is not the case.
I was just recently diagnosed with severe clinical depression. Who knew. I didn't. One thing I recognize is I don't express my feelings very well at times. You would think, a writer would be able to express there feelings. Nope not me. Well, at least not verbally. I am pretty good at writing my feelings poetically. But if you sit down with me I will be more likely to find a way to turn the conversation to you and your problems.
There was no real purpose for this post. I just started out thinking about the men of my past and how, I have dealt with the pain. Not in a good way. The first almost mister, I cut my hair and moved back to Nashville. Second almost mister, I cut all my hair and went on sabbatical. And this last mishap, I grew my hair out and started clubbing. My health is starting to spiral out of control.
I used to be able to just concentrate on my ministry or writing. Not lately. I think it has manifested in my health.
By nature I am a quiet spiritual person. I have a religious background. I was raised in the church. Went to the seminary. Yet, I struggle with that whole part of my life right now. I have trust issues. Major ones. I don't like people as much as I thought I did. Yet, I want a relationship and children. (yes I am willing to do it again.)
This post has gone a little longer than I thought. Maybe I will come back and finish my thoughts later.
Last night my thoughts centered around my exes. Not all of them just three in particular. The two almost Misters and the Mister. I wondered where they were and how they were. I also wondered where would I be had I followed through or stayed in the last one. Would I be dead or in jail. Would I have been able to carve out some happiness. Could I have been a mother by now. Had I not been stressed would those miscarriages not have happened.
I know the answers I will never know. Any other time, I would not dwell on those things. I am not one who lives with regrets. Nor do I tend to dwell on the past. I do recognize some of these issues are unresolved. Unresolved because, I have this uncanny knack for pushing every hurt pain or thought to the bottom of the hamper in my mind. I let it go. I don't deal. To the outside world, it looks like I am fine and well balanced. Only me a a select few know that is not the case.
I was just recently diagnosed with severe clinical depression. Who knew. I didn't. One thing I recognize is I don't express my feelings very well at times. You would think, a writer would be able to express there feelings. Nope not me. Well, at least not verbally. I am pretty good at writing my feelings poetically. But if you sit down with me I will be more likely to find a way to turn the conversation to you and your problems.
There was no real purpose for this post. I just started out thinking about the men of my past and how, I have dealt with the pain. Not in a good way. The first almost mister, I cut my hair and moved back to Nashville. Second almost mister, I cut all my hair and went on sabbatical. And this last mishap, I grew my hair out and started clubbing. My health is starting to spiral out of control.
I used to be able to just concentrate on my ministry or writing. Not lately. I think it has manifested in my health.
By nature I am a quiet spiritual person. I have a religious background. I was raised in the church. Went to the seminary. Yet, I struggle with that whole part of my life right now. I have trust issues. Major ones. I don't like people as much as I thought I did. Yet, I want a relationship and children. (yes I am willing to do it again.)
This post has gone a little longer than I thought. Maybe I will come back and finish my thoughts later.
Monday, March 22, 2010
What will it hurt.......
I am not a stranger to this thing called blogging. I used to blog a lot back in the day. That was a few years ago. I just stopped having things to say. Well, due to life experiences, I have a whole lot of nothing invading my mental space. I need to release it before I take the dark way out and disappear into the shadows,,,,, permanently.
You can take that last sentence anyway you want.
Although, in my everyday life, I am a person who listens and takes every persons thoughts into consideration. That will not be the case here. The more I live the more I realize that life will get you so bogged down that if you don't release your hurts and pains and such, you will be more bitter that a queen from the 60's. I say that to say this, I don't really care what you have to say. You don't have to read this blog. These are my thoughts. my feelings. I probably wont have any readers anyway. I kinda want it that way. The less the better.
Well, that all for now. I got to take off my mask and go back into the world.
The Lost Griot............
You can take that last sentence anyway you want.
Although, in my everyday life, I am a person who listens and takes every persons thoughts into consideration. That will not be the case here. The more I live the more I realize that life will get you so bogged down that if you don't release your hurts and pains and such, you will be more bitter that a queen from the 60's. I say that to say this, I don't really care what you have to say. You don't have to read this blog. These are my thoughts. my feelings. I probably wont have any readers anyway. I kinda want it that way. The less the better.
Well, that all for now. I got to take off my mask and go back into the world.
The Lost Griot............
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
