Last night, I was listening to my thoughts. (don't judge me.). Listening to my thoughts because, I think a lot but never really explore some of the thoughts that race through my mind. No I am not schizophrenic. I did not have conversations with the voices.

Last night my thoughts centered around my exes. Not all of them just three in particular. The two almost Misters and the Mister. I wondered where they were and how they were. I also wondered where would I be had I followed through or stayed in the last one. Would I be dead or in jail. Would I have been able to carve out some happiness. Could I have been a mother by now. Had I not been stressed would those miscarriages not have happened.

I know the answers I will never know. Any other time, I would not dwell on those things. I am not one who lives with regrets. Nor do I tend to dwell on the past. I do recognize some of these issues are unresolved. Unresolved because, I have this uncanny knack for pushing every hurt pain or thought to the bottom of the hamper in my mind. I let it go. I don't deal. To the outside world, it looks like I am fine and well balanced. Only me a a select few know that is not the case.

I was just recently diagnosed with severe clinical depression. Who knew. I didn't. One thing I recognize is I don't express my feelings very well at times. You would think, a writer would be able to express there feelings. Nope not me. Well, at least not verbally. I am pretty good at writing my feelings poetically. But if you sit down with me I will be more likely to find a way to turn the conversation to you and your problems.

There was no real purpose for this post. I just started out thinking about the men of my past and how, I have dealt with the pain. Not in a good way. The first almost mister, I cut my hair and moved back to Nashville. Second almost mister, I cut all my hair and went on sabbatical. And this last mishap, I grew my hair out and started clubbing. My health is starting to spiral out of control.

I used to be able to just concentrate on my ministry or writing. Not lately. I think it has manifested in my health.

By nature I am a quiet spiritual person. I have a religious background. I was raised in the church. Went to the seminary. Yet, I struggle with that whole part of my life right now. I have trust issues. Major ones. I don't like people as much as I thought I did. Yet, I want a relationship and children. (yes I am willing to do it again.)

This post has gone a little longer than I thought. Maybe I will come back and finish my thoughts later.

What will it hurt.......

I am not a stranger to this thing called blogging. I used to blog a lot back in the day. That was a few years ago. I just stopped having things to say. Well, due to life experiences, I have a whole lot of nothing invading my mental space. I need to release it before I take the dark way out and disappear into the shadows,,,,, permanently.

You can take that last sentence anyway you want.

Although, in my everyday life, I am a person who listens and takes every persons thoughts into consideration. That will not be the case here. The more I live the more I realize that life will get you so bogged down that if you don't release your hurts and pains and such, you will be more bitter that a queen from the 60's. I say that to say this, I don't really care what you have to say. You don't have to read this blog. These are my thoughts. my feelings. I probably wont have any readers anyway. I kinda want it that way. The less the better.

Well, that all for now. I got to take off my mask and go back into the world.

The Lost Griot............