That is who I am. What I have become. Thus the sporaticness (I know that is not a word.) of this blog and my post.
Isn't it funny that the minute I started to blog I ran out of things to say.
Maybe I will post something again this week.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Last night, I was listening to my thoughts. (don't judge me.). Listening to my thoughts because, I think a lot but never really explore some of the thoughts that race through my mind. No I am not schizophrenic. I did not have conversations with the voices.
Last night my thoughts centered around my exes. Not all of them just three in particular. The two almost Misters and the Mister. I wondered where they were and how they were. I also wondered where would I be had I followed through or stayed in the last one. Would I be dead or in jail. Would I have been able to carve out some happiness. Could I have been a mother by now. Had I not been stressed would those miscarriages not have happened.
I know the answers I will never know. Any other time, I would not dwell on those things. I am not one who lives with regrets. Nor do I tend to dwell on the past. I do recognize some of these issues are unresolved. Unresolved because, I have this uncanny knack for pushing every hurt pain or thought to the bottom of the hamper in my mind. I let it go. I don't deal. To the outside world, it looks like I am fine and well balanced. Only me a a select few know that is not the case.
I was just recently diagnosed with severe clinical depression. Who knew. I didn't. One thing I recognize is I don't express my feelings very well at times. You would think, a writer would be able to express there feelings. Nope not me. Well, at least not verbally. I am pretty good at writing my feelings poetically. But if you sit down with me I will be more likely to find a way to turn the conversation to you and your problems.
There was no real purpose for this post. I just started out thinking about the men of my past and how, I have dealt with the pain. Not in a good way. The first almost mister, I cut my hair and moved back to Nashville. Second almost mister, I cut all my hair and went on sabbatical. And this last mishap, I grew my hair out and started clubbing. My health is starting to spiral out of control.
I used to be able to just concentrate on my ministry or writing. Not lately. I think it has manifested in my health.
By nature I am a quiet spiritual person. I have a religious background. I was raised in the church. Went to the seminary. Yet, I struggle with that whole part of my life right now. I have trust issues. Major ones. I don't like people as much as I thought I did. Yet, I want a relationship and children. (yes I am willing to do it again.)
This post has gone a little longer than I thought. Maybe I will come back and finish my thoughts later.
Last night my thoughts centered around my exes. Not all of them just three in particular. The two almost Misters and the Mister. I wondered where they were and how they were. I also wondered where would I be had I followed through or stayed in the last one. Would I be dead or in jail. Would I have been able to carve out some happiness. Could I have been a mother by now. Had I not been stressed would those miscarriages not have happened.
I know the answers I will never know. Any other time, I would not dwell on those things. I am not one who lives with regrets. Nor do I tend to dwell on the past. I do recognize some of these issues are unresolved. Unresolved because, I have this uncanny knack for pushing every hurt pain or thought to the bottom of the hamper in my mind. I let it go. I don't deal. To the outside world, it looks like I am fine and well balanced. Only me a a select few know that is not the case.
I was just recently diagnosed with severe clinical depression. Who knew. I didn't. One thing I recognize is I don't express my feelings very well at times. You would think, a writer would be able to express there feelings. Nope not me. Well, at least not verbally. I am pretty good at writing my feelings poetically. But if you sit down with me I will be more likely to find a way to turn the conversation to you and your problems.
There was no real purpose for this post. I just started out thinking about the men of my past and how, I have dealt with the pain. Not in a good way. The first almost mister, I cut my hair and moved back to Nashville. Second almost mister, I cut all my hair and went on sabbatical. And this last mishap, I grew my hair out and started clubbing. My health is starting to spiral out of control.
I used to be able to just concentrate on my ministry or writing. Not lately. I think it has manifested in my health.
By nature I am a quiet spiritual person. I have a religious background. I was raised in the church. Went to the seminary. Yet, I struggle with that whole part of my life right now. I have trust issues. Major ones. I don't like people as much as I thought I did. Yet, I want a relationship and children. (yes I am willing to do it again.)
This post has gone a little longer than I thought. Maybe I will come back and finish my thoughts later.
Monday, March 22, 2010
What will it hurt.......
I am not a stranger to this thing called blogging. I used to blog a lot back in the day. That was a few years ago. I just stopped having things to say. Well, due to life experiences, I have a whole lot of nothing invading my mental space. I need to release it before I take the dark way out and disappear into the shadows,,,,, permanently.
You can take that last sentence anyway you want.
Although, in my everyday life, I am a person who listens and takes every persons thoughts into consideration. That will not be the case here. The more I live the more I realize that life will get you so bogged down that if you don't release your hurts and pains and such, you will be more bitter that a queen from the 60's. I say that to say this, I don't really care what you have to say. You don't have to read this blog. These are my thoughts. my feelings. I probably wont have any readers anyway. I kinda want it that way. The less the better.
Well, that all for now. I got to take off my mask and go back into the world.
The Lost Griot............
You can take that last sentence anyway you want.
Although, in my everyday life, I am a person who listens and takes every persons thoughts into consideration. That will not be the case here. The more I live the more I realize that life will get you so bogged down that if you don't release your hurts and pains and such, you will be more bitter that a queen from the 60's. I say that to say this, I don't really care what you have to say. You don't have to read this blog. These are my thoughts. my feelings. I probably wont have any readers anyway. I kinda want it that way. The less the better.
Well, that all for now. I got to take off my mask and go back into the world.
The Lost Griot............
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